


loss.

by Reymoni



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Depression, Dissociation, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Platonic Soulmates, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28851465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reymoni/pseuds/Reymoni
Summary: Tubbo wanted so desperately to be with Tommy again. That was what his soul craved, what he needed to be himself again. Tommy brought him life, brought him happiness, brought him cheer. And with Tommy gone, he couldn’t feel any of it anymore. But there was no way for Tommy, a dead man, to cross back into the land of the living. Meaning, in order for them to break through the barricade that separated life and death, Tubbo would have to take the one-way trip to the realm of the dead.
Relationships: Eret & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Kudos: 59





	loss.

**Author's Note:**

> not a vent fic i am perfectly fine lmao
> 
> this takes place after the first l'manberg war, and tommy permanently dies in the duel against dream. none of that 3 lives stuff
> 
> tw// suicidal thoughts, mild self harm

When was the last time he felt something?

Tubbo recognized what he was going through as depression. The symptoms aligned correctly, but he didn’t feel... sad. There was no room for him to feel sadness in his heart, for it felt like he had lost his heart altogether. Depression for him was not sorrow or misery, it was simply… nothing. Tommy’s death had taken a chunk of his heart away, leaving an empty hole where his best friend once was. Nothing Tubbo ever did could ever hope to heal the wound in his heart. And what resulted was absolute hopelessness. There was nothing he could do. Nothing to save himself or his friend. 

What do you do when there is nothing left for you to lose? Nowhere for you to go? Nothing left for you to experience? No more ties to this current reality?

Tubbo found himself dissociating often, lying in bed and feeling so  _ disconnected, _ so far away from what was real. His thoughts mindlessly drifted to Tommy whenever he didn’t keep them in check, which just dug him deeper and deeper into a pit of grief. Being here, in L’manberg, in this world, surrounded by painful memories was draining; he wanted to leave, to go to a place where he was not weighed down by his past mistakes. He could start anew; begin a new life, in a new reality, far away from everything here. Free from his burdens. Free from his horrible, horrible memories. He could be himself, no longer a hollow shell of who he once was. 

He wouldn’t be alone anymore. 

Here in this reality, all he could feel was loneliness. Emptiness. He was missing his other half, and ceased to function without it. He rarely ate and slept most of the day, regressing into an empty husk of a human being. He was so  _ alone _ . Left alone to suffer by the one he cared for most. The one that supported him most. The one that was supposed to be there for him, through thick and thin. They were supposed to be together. And now they were separated by the thickest barrier known to mankind: death. 

Tubbo wanted so desperately to be with Tommy again. That was what his soul craved, what he needed to be himself again. Tommy brought him life, brought him happiness, brought him cheer. And with Tommy gone, he couldn’t feel any of it anymore. But there was no way for Tommy, a dead man, to cross back into the land of the living. Meaning, in order for them to break through the barricade that separated life and death, Tubbo would have to take the one way trip to the realm of the dead. 

He wanted to go. It was what he wanted most in the world. It was what kept him from regressing into nothing; the idea that he had the power to end this life and be reunited with the one he needed most. 

But Tubbo was afraid. 

He was still human. He feared what awaited him on the other side, the ultimate unknown of humanity, unsolvable with no way to return. He doubted his conviction, the other land filled with too much uncertainty for himself to take the one-way ticket there with confidence. 

And so he was stuck in limbo. A place in between his current reality and the next. Nowhere to go, nowhere to return. 

He found himself wandering around at night, alone and lost in the forest. Revisiting a quiet clearing where he would often banter around with Tommy, a calming and peaceful area surrounded by tall spruce trees, dappled sunlight shining on Tubbo’s face through the leaves, gently blowing back and forth, pushed by the light summer breeze. It was soothing, sitting here while the gusts of wind blew his hair to the side. He let himself dissociate, drifting into memories of being happy with his friend, telling each other stupid stories from their childhoods, laughing at each other’s ridiculous jokes, and dreaming of what the future had in store for them. Dissociating here was not as distressing, since Tubbo’s memories of this place were all happy and full of life. 

_ What a wonderful place to die.  _

His thoughts drifted into unpleasant territories again. Tubbo pulled aggressively at the grass, closing his eyes and immersing himself in the feeling of blades of green tearing apart, distracting himself from contemplating ways he could kill himself in a forest. Those terrible thoughts continued to plague him endlessly.  _ Jump off a tree and break my neck, eat a poisonous mushroom, stab myself with a sharp stick-- _

Tubbo’s fingers grasped at the bare dirt. He opened his eyes to see an entire patch of grass had been plucked clean by his fingers, now stained green. He sighed, hitting the side of his head with his fist in an effort to rid his brain of self-destructive thoughts. Tubbo lowered his hand back to the grass before he had the sudden idea to choke on dirt, and hit himself again. He realized that the sudden shock and pain from hitting his head shook him temporarily free from other intrusive thoughts. 

Tubbo sighed again and stood up, punching himself in the head continuously as he plodded down the path back to his cottage on the outskirts of the woods.

“Tubbo?”

Tubbo immediately tensed. The voice sounded low and tired; familiar from what seemed to be a faraway world in his memories from times long ago. Tubbo turned to see a towering, regal figure wearing a royal red cloak with white fur trimmings, a golden crown, and blackout sunglasses. Eret, the king of this world only in name, the one who was first to betray the small, fiery country of L’manberg… and an old friend.

“Hey,” croaked Tubbo, his voice raspy and straining from lack of use. Intrusive thoughts rising again, he hurriedly hit the side of his head to clear them. 

“What’s up?” Eret walked closer and gently patted a hand on Tubbo’s shoulder. The gesture was comforting and Eret’s large hand carried with it a sense of safety, of security, and Tubbo’s tense muscles relaxed. Tubbo looked up at Eret to see the man smiling warmly. Tubbo awkwardly smiled back.

“Nothing much,” he mumbled. “How about we, er, sit down?”

Eret nodded and sat down back in the clearing. Tubbo joined him, his motions stiff and tired. 

They sat in silence, the winds billowing around them and the summer forest ambiance creating a nice atmosphere. It felt nostalgic and relaxing, and Tubbo felt his mind finally calm down. He closed his eyes and quietly enjoyed the moments of comfort, sat next to someone he had once looked up to as a brother figure. Someone he had shared so many carefree memories with back before any shit had gone down, before their foolish president had sent them, as young, innocent children, out to fight in a war. Memories of gathering resources together before the final battle, sharing stories and jokes, enjoying silent and sweet moments like these. 

It reminded Tubbo of the friend he had lost.

But this wasn’t painful. It was simply nostalgic; a wistful longing and affection for what was now departed. A recollection of cheerful memories, loaded with gay laughter and joy, before war, before loss, before pain. 

“Hey, wake up,” said Eret, nudging Tubbo with his shoulder. Tubbo’s eyes blinked open, startled. Eret pointed at the horizon. “Look at the sun.”

“That’ll burn my eyes out, you idiot,” said Tubbo dryly. 

Eret chuckled. “Wait for it to start setting.”

The two watched the sun as it slowly crawled below the horizon, painting the sky above them vibrant hues of red and gold. The yellow orb glowed softly as it sunk underneath the skyline, emanating a last shine of sunlight before darkness began to fall.

Tubbo glanced up at the sky, taking in the beautiful colors before dusk made it too dark for him to appreciate their radiance. 

“Reminds me of that angry child,” Eret commented, grinning. Tubbo snickered. Red, like that stupid tattered shirt Tommy always wore. Gold, like his fluffy hair that carried so much bouncy personality. Tubbo could never forget the colors his friend bore. 

Tubbo looked to his side at the king of this land, noting the red in his royal cape and the gold in his shining, extravagant crown. They were the same colors, but the people that bore those colors were entirely different characters. Eret couldn’t replace Tommy, not ever. Nobody could replace that rambunctious and crass teenager, nobody could replace his loud and cackling laughter, nobody could replace his admirable selflessness and loyalty that ultimately lead him to his untimely death. 

But a replacement wasn’t what Tubbo needed.

He leaned onto Eret’s shoulder, who was slightly startled at first, but understood and wrapped his arm around Tubbo in a gentle embrace. No words were spoken. None needed to be said. 

Tears brimmed in Tubbo’s eyes. But they weren’t the tears of anguish that he had cried when Tommy had been shot in the chest by Dream’s arrow, nor the ones he shed at his best friend’s grave. They were tears of happiness, of satisfaction that he had finally achieved. Tubbo could still hear the self-destructive voices in the back of his head, but they could not affect him. As long as he wasn’t alone, he was content. And Tubbo knew that if he was happy, Tommy was as well, wherever he was on the other side. 

They were two halves of a whole. Two chaotic best friends, far apart from each other now, but forever together, happy, in the memories that they shared in their hearts. 


End file.
